I sat on the edge of my bed, my duvet pulled close to my waist to cover what was left of my dignity. My waist felt a little pained and my bed was wet including my whole body. I tried to collect my mind together.
The morning did not feel right. The day was fully bright and the birds chirping joyfully. Even my noisy male neighbor had turned his stereo to a higher volume than usual. He must be trying to get back at me as he promised after I confronted him on his loud parties and numerous girlfriends whose mourns raided my room each night.
There were nights where I struggled to concentrate on my new book or even read my bible because of the stupid noises and dirty talks I heard from the room. On some days, it was cigarette smoke. Frank always said the lord might use me to liberate him and turn him rightly. I chuckled at first and murmured under my breath
“Emi change this lousy man, the soul that sins shall die biko”
My rent was not due yet and besides, I was not going to run away from the closest house to my office because of a man who has sold himself to sin. I kept praying for him always after God rebuked me for judging another.
This morning I sure needed that prayer myself, my body felt distant
“What really happened?” I asked nobody in particular
“Lord not again please”
I did not want to admit the worst; there was only one thing that could have happened last night. And then it began to come together like puzzles side by side: I walked into my one-room apartment very stressed and knocked out to the bones.
The events at work were hectic, so many brethren to be counseled on the issue of addiction. I remembered how they had cried as each of them told their story. Each of these persons came to know through different platforms where I shared my story on how addiction almost ruined my life. My story remains a trigger each time
My room was in a mess when I walked in and I was definitely not in the mood to clean it, the evidence of that and more lay before my bare eyes. Pile of clothes folded on one corner of the room, the dirty plates I had eaten with last night lay face down and then the flies that made buzzing sounds around my already filled wastebasket
I kept trying to recall what actually transpired in my room, trying hard to put the piece together. I looked and saw my bible by my side. Yes, I was actually trying to study the word of God for the ministration I had today with the singles on the topic: “Honor God with your mortal bodies”
My phone immediately lit up with a message as if to solve my curiosity; it was Buchi
“Thank you for last night, you still brought your A-game on as usual”
“Also, I am sorry you did not enjoy the experience so much, I guess the drug was too strong. Perhaps Another time babe”
Immediate it struck me strongly like a tsunami, I felt my skin crawling and suddenly tears like a river. It became so clear now. I did not even know when I let out a scream and slumped on the floor. My eyes glued to the ceiling as if to find the answers there
“No, not again” I cried and pulled the duvet over my head
I slept with my cousin again
It all started on that Wednesday afternoon. He raped me. I had just returned from boarding school, dad dropped me off and drove off, as usual, leaving me alone with my cousin who had coincidentally come back from the university
I cried that day and cursed him to the ground but subsequently, he led me into thinking that there was nothing wrong with the act and that we were not closely related. I was young and stupid and bought his lies.
It gradually because of the norm for us whenever our parents left the house. I looked forward to it more than him and often bought condoms ahead and took pills to wash away our guilt that tugged my conscience each time. Soon, my results in school began to fall. I always felt something was wrong with me but Buchi deceived my 13-year-old self into believing our actions were normal
He was 7 years older than me and as handsome as the sun.
He took my virginity and made me addicted to sex with him. The first man I ever thought I loved. it was a routine. No, it became a habit for us like married couples. He ravaged my body like a dog
Then, I found Christ at an Easter conference a friend dragged me to and that was the end of the sinful affair with him. At first, when I told him, he threatened to kill himself and then graduated to blackmailing me with a sex tape he made of us which had him cropped out and all that. The sex tape never saw the light. It was all lies to hold me down
“How did I get myself into this mess again?”
I remembered it all, yesterday, someone banged at my door by 11 pm and on opening the door, it was him. He claimed that he was just coming back from a crusade close to my house.
I had since moved out and lived very far from the house. The day he shared his salvation story with me was a big joy for me as I thought God had finally delivered us both after my attempt to lead him to Christ failed. The event of last night definitely proved it was all lies.
He brought a pack of Chivita and that was all I remember. I slumped on the floor again in tears when another text came in
“Baby, I am coming to pick you up for your ministration in Church. Let’s save fuel”
It was Frank, My fiancé. He knew my story and we started courtship last two months
I couldn’t help myself and kept on crying trying to remember how it happened. Would I have given in to Buchi my cousin? I would never do that
“Never, I cannot live with this shame” I cried over
The familiar knock on my door brought me back to earth. I knew that knock. It was frank
“How do I face him now?”
I let out a cry as soon as I opened the door, I could not look him in the eyes at all
“I am sorry Frank; it happened again, I don’t know how”
“It is okay, what happened?”
“Buchi ……….” As I narrated everything that went down
He held me strongly and hugged me tight assuring me of his love. It was strange.
“I understand what happened, it is not your fault,” he said
“I saw it all but I love you still, I have forgiven you. Thank you for not hiding from me”
Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh! it chases me down, fights til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine…
The lyrics of this song minister to me each and every day of my life. On days when I feel low and less of God’s love, it reminds me that he is near than ever. This is not to say that the Lord is reckless in his dealings. Rather, to make the vile offender understand that God will always leave the rest just to find one sinner who has gone astray each time.
He is God and that is his nature, The Holy Spirit is always in the business of reconciling men to the father. You just need to be visible and in an open place where he can find you.
A lot of us hide away from God at the slightest sin. Hiding from him only gives the devil a foothold over your life. Are you hiding because you think the lord does not know what transpired? He does. He saw it all; his nature is all-knowing and Omni-present but he asked me to tell you today :
“I forgive you and your sins I remember no more”
He says “come to me Daughter, come closer Son”
He cries out “My blood was shed for this very purpose and I can make you clean again”
Will you step away from that hiding place and come to him today for mercy and reconciliation? Your sins are not too heavy for him, there is provision made for you
We are justified by his blood Romans 5:8-11