Can I ask you a question? Well, I know you are not here in person but I have a chair in front of me and I want to assume that I’m having a tete-a-tete with a dear sister in faith who probably has a lot on her mind and burdens in her spirit to pour out and share with me.
So, can I ask my question now? If I have to address this issue of whether it’s okay to flirt with a brother or not then I need you to be sincere and answer my questions as I ask them. Is it okay for a brother to smile at you, buy you gifts almost every day and yet go under the umbrella of being just a friend? Don’t give me that look that says “Jewel, there is really nothing wrong with brothers being caring”
I know that too and appreciate the cares but extremely caring? Even to the point of sending love notes every morning and late at night is just a disaster waiting to happen and you can attest to that. Okay, let me tone down my spirituality now and give you another illustration which I’m sure several ladies find repulsive. That is a man extending touches here and there while talking to them.
Just imagine your choir director rubbing your shoulders or always going for a tight embrace even when you are obviously uncomfortable or sensitive to touch. Sometimes, when I go for a firm handshake with a brother rather than a hug, most persons dismiss me as being overly spiritual and protective. What they don’t understand is that we all have different body language and sensitivity to touches
I guess your response to my illustrations would be a capital and thunderous NO! Right? Or scrunching your nose in disgust. I agree with you too, I won’t tolerate any suspicious extremities from a brother as well because he is just going to stir my emotions and leave me hanging and dry
I have a community of young women already crying that they are knee-deep in love with a certain brother and they can’t help it, part of which results from the extremity of care and companionship offered by said brother.
“Excuse me, sis, body no be firewood.”
Well, my emphasis isn’t on your crush; I already have a detailed blog post on it here. You can read it to get more enlightenment and help if you are under such bondage.
Before you continue, I need to clarify something right now so you don’t walk away with a perverted mindset; I wouldn’t want that to happen. This is not to say that every brother who shows kindness to you or prefers hugs to handshakes is a flirt or wants to stir your emotions.
Definitely not so. Some persons have a poor culture in relating with ladies and some are just used to a particular lifestyle that it would take you set them straight on your own tenets and principles for them to understand that boundary and cut the attitude
WHO IS A FLIRT?
The definition of a flirt is a person who habitually behaves in a way designed to be attractive, interesting and engaging to someone in whom they have a romantic interest.
MY POOR UNDERSTANDING OF FLIRTING
It all started in my teenage at my youth choir where Christian boys and girls paired themselves up as couples than duet performers. The moment I was exposed to discipleship, I thought in my heart that those pairings were wrong and I didn’t want anything to do with a brother
But soon enough, I became worse than them. I was seen more like a snob than an agent of change and difference. To me, being friendly or even smiling at a brother was an obvious flirty gesture. I had rules that I set up to guide my legalistic approach to a relationship with the opposite sex.
WHEN IS FLIRTING HELPFUL?
As much as my post is focused on educating you on the negative effects of flirting as a Christian girl, I won’t fail to point out as well where flirting is somewhat helpful.
Andrew on Phylicia.com says Flirting is usually helpful within the context of an already-established relationship. However, I don’t mean that flirting is all the relationship is made of. When I see a “relationship” that consists of nothing but bantering back and forth, trading sarcastic comments, pretending to overreact to something the other person said, and alternating between clinging to each other and pretending to be mad, I know it is not a good relationship. You need a foundation of honesty to build a good relationship on, and flirting is almost all pretending.
WAYS YOU ACTUALLY FLIRT WITH CHRISTIAN GUYS BUT MAY NOT KNOW
There is a thin line of difference between being friendly and flirty. Someone can be friends with everyone and so walks over to greet them with a smile plastered across their face. However, there are several psychological pointers and body language which sells out a flirt almost immediately.
This shows to a great extent that they could have an interest in you. It could be the prolonged eye contact, physical contact, in-depth questions in context, on verbal cues etc
FLIRTING HARMS BOTH YOURSELF AND THE CHRISTIAN GUY
I came across a post where a guy says that Christian brothers actually like fun flirty moves and always notice it when girls do so. But as is in the nature of men, he would not want to entertain such attention or reciprocate it. Men by nature are hunters, they love to pursue rather than being gunned down
Another says that girls who flirt all the time with every guy come off as emotionally needy. Regardless of how much you have affection for a brother, making them an idol is just going to hurt you in the tail end especially when they have no single interest in you.
SOLUTION-HOW SHOULD YOU RELATE WITH CHRISTIAN GUYS
Now that we are clear on matters above, your question might be a repentant heart seeking the right way to relate with brothers without actually exploiting them emotionally or satisfying your emotional needs at their expense.
As I write this, I repent over and again from my misbehaviors seen and unseen towards the Christian guys around me.
Treat Christian guys as your brothers in Christ (1 Timothy 5:1).
The first time we deliberated over this matter in our then campus fellowship, I wondered and laughed at how ridiculous and almost impossible it sounded to treat hot-blooded youg men as I would treat my own biological brothers. To me, they were mere marriage prospects than brothers.
The day the lord helped my understanding began my path of healing and a better relationship. Now when I relate with each person, I simply zero my mind from any possible love interest or marriage proposal and to a greater extent it has paid off tremendously and also helped me be myself around each person.
Treating them as potential suitors alone than first friends and brothers will almost make you live a plastic life. That is, living according to their terms in order to appear perfect.
This is the first commandment. Never forget that guys are people, too, not objects for marriage material
Don’t awaken love when it’s not time. (Song of Solomon 2:7)
I already explained earlier, there is a difference between being friendly and flirty even if you don’t see it. Be more observant and perhaps you will figure out my claims
Flirting could be an avenue of awakening and encouraging certain desires before the time is right.
Cross your I’s and dot your T’s.
What we should be doing is asking ourselves questions which will help us get to the heart of the matter:
- What is my aim right now in relating to him?
- What are my feelings or intentions towards him?
- How does a sister treat a brother? Am I treating him in that way?
- Is my body language, facial expression, or the words coming out of my mouth dripping with flirtatiousness, or kindness, encouragement, and a desire for the guy’s best interests?
- What feelings are my actions right now arousing?
Be nice when necessary!
Godly guys always want to interact with smart pretty godly girls likewise without any strings attached. In defense, I always say that girls are fragile and delicate. Nevertheless, let’s not allow our hearts and easy stir of emotions to push us away from possible great friendships. Moreover, Know when to draw the line to save you both.