It didn’t really strike me as “cute when I first met him. Not as though he wasn’t handsome, but then I thought he wasn’t my spec. wait o… did I even have a spec? Abeg leave matter for Matthias. Yours truly didn’t have a spec.
I sha just knew that there were some qualities that endeared me to forming friendships with the men folk. But those qualities could further be streamlined into the essentials I want to see in Le boo.
Back to my story, dude had these special specs. He was tall, very tall- probably 6.3” in height. God!! This brother was dark. Millie used to joke that he probably was born at the equator- funny assertion I’d say. Bro was a not too handsome guy sha but then he was not bad look.
Amara would always say that “I’d end up marrying an ugly duckling if I don’t get my priorities right as it concerns my perception of beauty. Reason been that my perception of beauty is the ability of a man to be critically intelligent, academically sound… I find it difficult having a proper conversation with a guy who’s atheistically beautiful but with an empty head. Ngwanǔ call me sapiosexual, I gree.
Lemme kwantinue my gist. I found him attractive. Big pink lips, small eyes that shrunk inside whenever he was stressed, long broad nose that accentuated his round face. Dude was cute at least in my eyes.
I used to see him in fellowship whenever we had Joint Christian Campus Fellowship (JCCF) programmes. You guessed right!!- We were in different fellowship. I sha just used to say in mind “wow… this brother is really tall, dark and quiet. What does he always think of? Why does he always appear busy during fellowship? Why does he talk so softly that one would have to strain… to hear what he had to say. I never said that to the hearing of others, just my mind reeling in my little questions and answers secret.
Then one bright Thursday, I happened to see Bri with him and some of her friends. She calls me over and introduces me as her friend and her “answered prayer” to these guys (they were all guys like male guys) I was flustered, she says some mushy mushy things about me to this guys and I feel like disappearing.
Boom? From that day I became friends with those guys, most especially him. Enough of the “him”. I’ll call him Bros. K. we became very good friends. So good that when I walk with him back then in campus, people that know me start greeting and smiling sheepishly (I always wondered why they just had to act mischievously), grinning from ear to ear. I remember that the really bold ones asked if I was in a relationship with him.
Wetin concern me sef? I don find friend make all of una shift one corner (lol), I used to think of myself as a staunch- I’m a quite emotional but will never show those mushy mushy feelings to guys. I liked Bros. K, I really like Bros. K, funny enough whenever he tells me I love you, I always replied with “thank you” or “God bless you” it later evolved to “I like you too” but it never really got beyond those replies although my emotions belied their replies I gave (I’m staunch like that lol).
When Bri looked at me and told me that I and Bros. K would fall in love and end up together in a relationship, I laughed it off. He was a friend, I enjoyed his company including the thought and feel of his company, so I shrugged indifferent to her “prophecy” that day.
Things took a different turn when I woke up with Bros. K on my mind and slept with Bros. K on my mind. Bros K became my medicine. We talked about anything and everything. I told him secrets about myself I’d told no one except Bri. And he likewise did same. Before long, we had built intellectual and emotional intimacy. We were like the proverbial 5 and 6.
I became his adviser, coach, confidant, he became my essential. Stuffs would happen to me, rather than tell God or family, Bros K would be the first person to hear it. Bros K became a medicine. In fact, my addiction. I couldn’t stay for 2 hours without chatting him up, texting or he calling me.
I still remember how he’d tell me that his stay in school would be worthless when I leave. He was in his third year and I was in my final year. Funny enough, all these were within the confines of a pure friendship/relationship devoid of any form of immoral/unrighteous conversations. We just loved ourselves.
For the first time, I knew what it meant for a woman to be submissive- this he did, without begging, asking, coercing or cajoling me. Bros K broke my defenses, not with what I’d always imagined guys normally do. But with silence, smile, a hand squeeze, thoughtful suggestion, an advice, a word of encouragement, an understanding nod just name it… Bros K was good at what he did.
I left school- but not after he’d subtly and outrightly asked me to walk down the aisle with me. Firstly, it was: “Can you marry a man like me? (that was in our third month of friendship). Once we’d had a discussion on our different ethnic groups and their roles in forming and strengthening our bond (our tribal groups are rivals mind you).
It was a wonder we bonded well and he was thinking of starting a courtship relationship with him. I was ecstatic (but I didn’t show it) but I sha told him of plans to further my career prospects and how some goals had been achieved as a single before signing on the dotted lines. Ehemmm… lest I forget, this brother had dreams for me, dreams I didn’t have for myself. He appreciated my gifts and talents and always projected them far beyond what I imagined. My spiritual growth was also a milestone for me. Hadn’t yet been baptized in the Holy ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues so Uncle made it a high point that yours truly will speak in tongues when the Spirit comes upon.
Bri had even started ringing wedding bells in my ears, planning the marriage between Bros K and I. Bursting my brain with themes, colours, pet names even HNM 101 talks. Chei!!… we were just waiting for a very formal/proper proposal that would seal everything and make it certain before I go for my youth service.
The day after new years’ day, of 2019, Bri prayed for me at the park: she’d told God that I deserve to be happy, Bros K makes me happy; Bros K should propose, she’ll be my chief bridesmaid, and well raise a godly family… blah blah blah…
Barely two months after this prayer, things took a different turn, our communication had reduced somewhat. I would call, he would be too busy to pick I’d text, he would forget to reply. When we get a chance to talk, it would be for a very short while. I then had a dream during that period that pointed to a breakup.
I cancelled the dream (lol) and kept trying to reach out trying to get things back to normal. Bros K starts calling me Miss Clingy. I decided to cut him some slack and Mr. incommunicado steps in. I couldn’t bear it, I always wanted to reach out but the self-respect (or should I say pride) in me (Haba!!! How would someone I care about so much look at me and call me clingy? Shebi… when we were all over the place constantly talking and just together I wasn’t clingy abǐ?) didn’t let me reach out to him.
Two weeks later, I couldn’t just sit and let pride destroy a good relationship, so I reached out to Bros K via text. I said “Hi” to him and further asked him how a contract I knew he was working on was faring. Bros K responded too via text and went ahead to ask a question I found funny: “Who am I chatting with?”.
I was stunned. I became weak, I hugged my pillow and a zillion thoughts rummaged though my mind. Strong girl nah. I didn’t let his statement get to me so I typed my full name and sent it back to him. He called and kept apologizing how unexplainable it is that my phone number just got deleted from his phone, how sorry he was. Mehnn… a part of me withered.
Where did I get it wrong? Does it meant that all these while we were joking around and playing on our emotions? Was I building my castle in the air? Did I make any assumption that is bearing its fruit now? Questions and questions kept popping in my brain. I felt terribly bad for myself. I lost weight, thinking became my favorite past time. I was distraught.
Staunch me would smile and laugh to my hearts’ content in the day then cry myself to sleep at night. I had only Bri to share my pain with and because of how much I detest bringing my private matters to public space, I was lost in those terrible feelings. I began to hate on Bros K who was oblivious to what my heart was going though (lol).
As much as I wanted to stop crying, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Nobody would fathom what I was going through. It was at this point I crawled back to God. Often times when I couldn’t voice out my deepest fears, the raging thoughts in my head, I’d just cry. I’d cry and cry and cry till I felt the burden lift. I began to dig into His word. And they brought me succor.
But then I couldn’t let go. I decided to carry the weight of this pain on my small head… I can imagine God saying to Himself “but this my small girl like suffer o…” Brethren I just kept accumulating loads and baggage of hate, distrust, failed promises, disillusion, pain, heart break et al and I just kept journey on life’s road.
Because I couldn’t let go, the Bible I read was just like first aid, I refused to go to the hospital for proper treatment. I just held onto that baggage.
One morning, my room mate played an audio record titled “Let it go” by renowned Pastor T. D Jakes. I listened and I was broken. Two days later, I wrote a four-page letter to Bros L telling him how we’d started, how the parting had made me feel, the amount of hate in my heart and how I was letting him go. Brother was dumbstruck. He sha organized a physical meeting here I told him everything on my heart.
As normal, he apologized for being the cause of anything horrible/terrible I had to go through. We shook heads and went our separate ways. Though we still remained friends (acquaintance even) estranged ones at that.
Below is an excerpt from that audio record that played a huge part in my healing
“There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, ‘they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.’ [1 John 2:]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are bad people, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go! If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains …LET IT GO!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth…LET IT GO!
If someone has angered you … LET IT GO!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge. LET IT GO!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction … LET IT GO!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents… LET IT GO!
If you have a bad attitude…LET IT GO!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better… LET IT GO!
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him… LET IT GO!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…LET IT GO!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves…LET IT GO!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed…. LET IT GO!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying, “take your hands off of it,” then you need to…LET IT GO!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing! LET IT GO!
Get right or get left, think about it, and then LET IT GO!
“The Battle is the Lord’s!”
So I picked up the pen with the sole purpose of telling you- yes you… Sweetheart I’m talking to you. You na…YOU; just LET IT GO. Whatever is dragging you down rather than upholding you, let it go. Whatever is pushing you into gloom, let it go whatever is drawing you away form God. Let it go!! Whatever is fighting with the lordship of Christ in your life, beloved let it go.
Do you know the part that got to me? “And it doesn’t mean that they are bad people, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.”
Bros K was never a bad person no he wasn’t. it was just that his part in the story of my life was over. I must confess he had made me realize the abnormality of being there… he had helped broaden my horizon on all spheres as it regards manifesting my destiny. I forgot to add that yes during the course “us” the Sprit upon breathed on me with evidence of speaking in tongues.
So you see he was just a phase in the story of my life. I’d depended too much on him like oxygen and the lover of my soul waited on unperturbed. When push came to shove, I knew where my priorities lay. God was waiting for me right there.
Is it really easy to let go? From my experience, it wasn’t. but the knowledge that “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me” became a constant reminder not to falter.
The memories still come, the what ifs’ are still ever present. But I’m assured forever that God will never leave me neither will He forsake me: God’s words give me hope for now, tomorrow and forever.
And when I become so touchy because I dwell on these past experiences I tell God how I feel about everything and I feel better.
By all means mon amỉe;
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